Journey to baby Andersen #4

*disclosure*

I just want to say that I know that many have been through worse and more heartbreaking losses and trials than mine. I realize that as I write this, others would consider me blessed to have only been through this. But i’m not going to diminish my experience, my loss and my hurt because of that. Everyone’s story is different and this is mine.

I just realized the other day that when filling out health questionnaires for annuals or new ob appointments, I now have to state that I have had a miscarriage. I have had 5 pregnancies. It is weird thinking this is my 5th pregnancy.

My miscarriage took a total of 33 days from the day I started bleeding to the day I got my d&c. It wasn't planned for it to be like that but it is what ended up happening. You can read more about that HERE if you haven't. 

In my opinion, it is a common misconception that a miscarriage is an event. In reality it is a process. It's not something that happens in a day, and not something you ever get over fully..

After over a month of waiting for my body to do what it was supposed to even with the help from medicine that had terrible side effects, my emotions were wrecked. I wanted NOTHING to do with pregnancy. I didn't want to see another pregnancy test, didn't want to even look at a calendar to see when my period was due, just wanted to get back to what my life was like before we started ever trying for a baby. I was actually to the point of not wanting another. But to be honest, I just felt lost. What did I want?

I voiced my emotions to Tyler one night and he was very respectful and didn't make me feel guilty for feeling like I was done. I did feel sad when I told him this but it was truly how I felt in the moment and so I wasn't sure what to think. 

When I finally had my first menstrual cycle it felt good to be normal again. To know what to expect with my body.

Then one Sunday in October after coming home from church, Tyler and I were alone outside in our backyard eating lunch without the kids around(a miracle). I brought the baby subject up to him again because he hadn't really told me how he felt on the subject. I suddenly NEEDED to know how he felt. He told me that he was actually feeling sad about not having another baby and I told him that I was too. I think I needed to make that decision of not having another, to figure out that it wasn't the right one. 

We stopped protecting after that and left it up to chance. I wasn't exactly to the point of wanting to get pregnant right away but actually felt at peace with it whenever it happened.

On November 5th I was supposed to start my period. I had told Tyler that this was the day and when it arrived I wondered. I knew if I took a test and it was negative then I could just expect my period and that was that. I had one last test left over from that hard time I was testing to see if the hcg was out of my system. It was the afternoon and I was shaking with nerves when I took a test. I was by myself while Tyler was working away from home that day. I was not expecting it to be positive. I felt A LOT of things. I immediately called Tyler and sent him a picture of the test while he was on the phone with me. 

I wasn't sure how I should tell Tyler and to be honest, I didn't want to make it a big deal. Last time I did something cute and this time I just felt like calling him. When he got the picture he said "did you just take that? holy crap!" and then went on to say how excited he was and that this is what we've been wanting etc. He knew I was a nervous mess. 

But the thing that surprised me most was not wanting to tell anyone besides Tyler.. not our family, not our kids, no one. That's not like me. 

Last pregnancy I felt fine telling all the closest people in my life because I knew I would want their support if I miscarried (and their support ending up being VITAL.) But this time around, I just felt exhausted thinking about telling all those people again. I didn't want to have to keep them all updated. I didn't want to have to tell them if I miscarried again. I knew I needed more assurances first before I shared the news.

I called my ob office immediately and they wanted me to come in for a quantitative hcg blood test. 

November 9th 4 weeks:

I feel like I have just barely been through all this. That early stage of pregnancy where it's a waiting game. Waiting to be further along so that you can hear that heartbeat and take that sigh of relief knowing you're through the highest chances of miscarriage. I don't know what it's going to be like to hear a heartbeat and who knows maybe I wont hear a heartbeat for pregnancy #5. But if I do, I am sure it will be a special experience.

Just to give you some insight to hcg levels: Human Chorionic Gonadotropin is a hormone produced only if you're pregnant. It is produced by the amniotic sac and is what makes you feel so sick in that first trimester. If you have a hcg level greater than 5 mIU/mL it will show up + on a pregnancy test. If you have an hcg level over 25 mIU/mL it means you're pregnant.

My hcg results from Saturday Nov 7th was 882 mIU/mL which is normal for 4 weeks along.

My hcg results from today (Monday Nov 9th) are 1755 mIU/mL. 

That is great news.  

Estimated due date July 15th.

My hcg levels are doing what they're supposed to do which is doubling every two days. It feels good seeing that. They are supposed to continue to double until your 6 or so weeks and then it takes longer to double. 

December 6th 8 weeks:

I started feeling the first signs of nausea during the 5th week of pregnancy. I could have cried with relief and I have cried many times since(just not from relief.)

Week 6 is when the nausea settled in to stay. I would wake up in the morning a bit shaky and eat cereal right away. Then I was fine so long as I ate something frequently till around mid-day after lunchtime I would start to feel that uneasy feeling. Come late afternoon, early evening I wanted to cry as I forced myself to eat(in case you didn't know, if you don't eat you will just feel more nauseous). I read a lot during this time to distract myself.  

It was hard to not have my kids know what was going on with me so we decided to tell them at 7 weeks on Thanksgiving day. It was also when we told our families. 

During breakfast on Thanksgiving we all wrote down things that we were grateful for on little slips of paper and we each took turns reading one. The last paper in the bottom was one I wrote and it said "baby in mommy's tummy." Halli read that one and she was really confused and hesitant but then when we explained that there was another baby in mommy's tummy both girls got excited and asked a million questions. One of Halli’s questions was “when will your water break?” And Hayden asked if the baby was in my tummy right now. They both have loved seeing my belly grow and they rub it often. 

We had family pictures a couple days ago by my friend and I wanted to hear the baby's heartbeat and get an ultrasound before the photoshoot. Tyler agreed that we could go to Fetal Fotos the night before and get a "pregnancy verification." You have to be 8 weeks along and they do a 10 minute ultrasound and you get three pictures. It was so special. The heartbeat was strong and the baby looked like a little gummy bear moving around.

My ob appointment went exactly as I was hoping. Baby was measuring right on track for July 15th due date and the heartbeat was 160 bpm.

I can’t explain to you what it is like to have a text book perfect pregnancy right after a loss but it is something I’m thankful for every day. The nausea is a comforting reminder that everything is on track and I dare say I am grateful for it! 

The fear of having another miscarriage hasn’t gone away but I have to keep moving forward with positive thoughts if I want to get through this 🖤